Showing Your Emotions Could Save Your Marriage

As men, we’re often told to “be strong,” or “man up,” and even if you’ve not been told that explicitly, you’ve almost certainly gotten the message from movies and tv shows growing up. It’s such a prevalent message in our society—that being a man means being strong, and that you can’t be strong if you’re showing emotion. Or worse…that the only acceptable emotion to show is anger.

If you are part of the minority of men who wouldn’t be ashamed if your wife walked in on you crying—congratulations. That’s no small feat, and it’s likely still something you’re working on—teaching yourself that it’s okay to show emotions.

We often hear the two sides of the argument—it’s either about being strong or being vulnerable, but over the past 25 years working with couples, I’ve noticed that it’s almost never that the two are at odds with each other.

In fact, there’s a lot more under the surface:

• “Being strong” tends to be more about “hiding weakness” than actually having anything to do with strength

• Being open and vulnerable takes an immense amount of strength—much more strength than is required to simply appear strong

• Needing to appear strong is destroying relationships—with our partner, children, and nearly everyone we come in contact with

The question becomes, “why be vulnerable?” If being vulnerable takes so much more strength, and it’s so difficult, why not just focus on keeping up appearances and showing up strong, powerful, and in control?

And the answer is pretty simple: It will transform both your marriage and your life.

I’ll tell you why:

Despite what you might think, your wife didn’t marry you because she needed a protector—someone to take care of her and shield her from the world. She married you because she wanted a partner—a companion to walk through life with. Someone she could trust, and someone with whom she could collaborate to build a life together.

So if things feel a bit icy between you and your partner, it might be a really good opportunity to get uncomfortably honest with yourself and ask yourself:

• Am I showing up in my relationship as a collaborator and co-creator? Or am I showing up as an authority figure and protector?

• What does my wife really need from me? (hint: the best way to find the answer to this is to ask her)

• What’s the best possible thing that could happen if I let my guard down and let my partner see my fears and anxieties that I’d rather keep hidden?

• What’s stopping me from letting that guard down?

If you’ve focused your entire life on “being strong” or “manning up,” then it’s not as simple as just bringing your guard down. That wall has been there for a long time, and once you’ve decided to be more vulnerable, the wall doesn’t magically disappear.

Instead, start to notice when you feel yourself hiding behind that wall—when you find yourself thinking, “I gotta man up.” Because the first step is noticing it, and once you’ve begun to notice it, that’s when you can begin creating a new habit of appropriate vulnerability.