How Arguing Could Improve Your Marriage
Are you one of those couples who never argues? Many couples wear that as a badge of honor, proud that they’re not one of “those” couples who are always fighting and arguing.
If you think of yourself as a couple that rarely argues, though, it might be a good opportunity to check in with yourself:
How content are you in your relationship?
How fulfilled are you when you’re with your partner?
What emotions come up when you think about your partner?
If feelings of anger, frustration, or exasperation arise when you spend time with your partner (or even just think about them), you might be due for an argument. Yes, even if you pride yourself in never (or rarely) arguing with them.
Many couples tend to measure the health of their relationship by the frequency and/or intensity of their arguments. Unfortunately, though, that’s possibly one of the worst metrics for determining how healthy your marriage is.
Couples disagree all the time—on a daily basis, in fact. But if you don’t argue when those big disagreements arise, it often results in bottled up emotions, deep frustration, and even feelings of resentment.
Of course, the solution is not to start arguing about every single thing that comes up—that’s not a good idea, either. Instead, two things need to happen:
Understand what an argument actually is
Commit to healthy arguments
The first shift that needs to occur is understanding that, for many of us, our understanding of what an argument is is fundamentally wrong. Most of us think of arguments as a sign of incompatibility or as earth-shattering moments that define our entire relationship. But that couldn’t be further from the truth—because an argument is none of those things.
At its core, an argument is a disagreement. Plain and simple. It’s when Person A thinks one thing, and Person B thinks another thing. It’s when Person A and Person B talk through the discrepancy between what they each think to be true (i.e. argue it out), and then collaborate to identify a way forward that meets both of their needs.
In other words, it’s an opportunity for a productive conversation that satisfies both parties.
With that framework in mind, an argument is in fact a good thing to have. At the same time, though, most arguments aren’t the healthy, productive kind that end with everyone involved being happy. And that’s because there’s a certain set of standards that make for a healthy argument:
A healthy argument doesn’t have a winner and a loser. Instead, both parties are winners—because both parties have their needs met, feel like the other has heard what they have to say, and have put the issue to rest. It can be easy to default to saying, “Well, I lost that argument,” but the reality is that healthy arguments don’t have winners and losers—they only have winners.
A healthy argument results in a path forward. Most arguments end in both parties throwing their hands up in the air out of frustration, and leaving the problem right where they found it—instead of identifying a solution and a way to move forward. A healthy argument solves the issue at hand.
A healthy argument builds intimacy, not destroys it. The very act of coming together to solve a problem where there’s significant disagreement is one of the most intimate activities you can engage in with your partner. By the end of a healthy, productive argument, you’re closer with your partner than you were when you began.
So, the next time you find yourself disagreeing with your partner, but brushing the problem under the rug, take a moment to talk it out and see if you can identify a solution that brings you closer together rather than driving you further apart.
