Why Did She Leave Me?
In the last several weeks, I have talked to several men whose wife has walked out on them. They were shocked when this happened. They say things like, "I knew we had a few problems, but I thought we were basically OK. "When I ask whether she had expressed her unhappiness openly, the answer was always yes.
Statistics show more and more divorces are being initiated by wives instead of husbands. This is a new but expanding trend. "Today Americans want not only a spouse who is reliable and reasonable, but also someone who is their best friend, and a great lover, and someone who pays the bills ... but is also really fun," said Stanford sociologist Michael Rosenfeld in the Washington Post.
According to research that Rosenfeld presented at the American Sociological Association's annual meeting, these heightened expectations can leave women feeling worse off in marriage than men. In a survey of 2,262 adults in heterosexual partnerships over the course of five years, Rosenfeld found that 69% of divorces are initiated by women. On the whole, women also reported less satisfaction with their marriages than men. The reasons vary, but a common thread is wives being unhappy with their husbands' refusal to change.
As Executive Director of Men in Balance, I have seen first-hand the wrecked relationships and damaged trust men are bringing to their marriages and their lives by insisting on hanging on to old ideas about manhood, marriage, and their role in a marriage or an intimate relationship. Counselors tell me that in many of these cases, wives have tried to drag husbands into therapy before eventually issuing an ultimatum: Change or the marriage is over. These women feel their men "just don't get it." They can't understand why men won't allow themselves to be more fully human, to show heartfelt empathy, and, yes, vulnerability. They are no longer content to have someone who provides a good living and a comfortable lifestyle. They want connection--deep and soulful relating--and they believe they are entitled to it. It makes no sense to them that their man is singularly focused on career and accumulation of toys and trinkets at the expense of a rewarding family life and a true partnership. (To be fair, there are a lot of men who DO get it, who have natures more compatible with what women are seeking. Some of them got that awareness after failing at one or more marriages.)
As for the men, they may feel they are in an impossible Catch 22. They feel pressured to support an increasingly expensive standard of living (which they see as their main job description) but feel they are expected to do so without taking still more time from the family.
In my 10 years of working with men in a small group setting, dozens of personal coaching/counseling sessions, interviews, and years of coaching executives, I have learned there are lots of men who see themselves as clueless about relationships, especially intimate relationships. While they would "take a bullet" to protect their partner or loved one, they seem mystified about what else to do to maintain and grow the relationship--and even more in the dark about how to find out.
There are a lot of resources on the website. Please take advantage of them--and if you want to talk, put yourself on my calendar at the bottom of this page.
