Our View of Masculinity
From 10 Lessons for Men…and how our partners can help
Where did you get your ideas about what it means to be a man? Was it from your father? Was it from other men in the neighborhood, a teacher or coach, church, family members? Whatever the sources of our notions of manhood, they are from a select group or two, and as such, are inherently narrowly defined.
As men, why do we define ourselves so narrowly? If I ask you, as I did at a breakfast with about 60 attendees, to jot down 3 words that were used to define manhood when you were growing up, chances are you would write things like they did: strong, independent, great provider, never cries, individualistic, unemotional, “in charge.”
If I ask you to write down some words to describe how you would like your son or grandson to see themselves, chances are you’d write words like empathic, sensitive, considerate, spiritual, tender-hearted
Notice the disconnect? Isn’t it interesting how the way society and our peers define manhood fails us? Being the tough guy, warrior, always “in charge,” and always invulnerable, simply does not work in the real world of work and personal relationships.
Many times, our independence and toughness cause us to be overly competitive, aggressive, and inappropriately defensive in relationships with colleagues–and especially so with our partners.
When I talk to women about what they want in a man, they talk about the qualities in the second list above. Being open, empathic, sensitive, responsive, tender-hearted and collaborative–these are the things that make for good relationships. Unfortunately, these are the things we weed out of young boys as they become men and instead encourage being individualistic, independent, tough and assertive.
Most often we get our view of masculinity from our father who likely got it from his father. Think about that. Your view of masculinity could be out-of-date by two generations! What is expected of you and me as a husband, father, or brother has changed dramatically in that time. Women are no longer content to be married to someone who can provide well for them–they expect deep emotional closeness, collaboration on decision making and some openness and willingness to be influenced on most issues––and rightfully so. This willingness to be influenced may be the most valuable quality to strive for in your relationships and it is not just being a “nice guy.” It is a new permanent way to operate.
