Improving Our Attitudes Toward Women
From 10 Lessons for Men…and how our partners can help
What’s that you say? You say you don’t have a problem with your attitude toward women? Heaven knows we all love them, but it is hard to acknowledge that we likely have an outdated view of women. In some ways, we may still actually regard them as inferior. Of course, none of us would ever admit that openly, but it’s true that many of us have received feedback from our women about how we treat them, even unintentionally.
Much like our notions of masculinity and manhood, a lot of our views about women are likely “inherited” from our fathers’ view, since most of us adopted many of our fathers’ beliefs without question. Unless you were lucky enough to have a father with a healthy view of women, it’s likely you inherited a few unconscious biases as well.
The Problem
The problem simply stated is that our unexamined views of women sometimes cause us to disregard their input, resist or fail to share power with them, and fail to learn from their often superior emotional intelligence.
Let’s unpack that statement. In household matters, it’s impossible to disregard a woman’s input as she may speak very directly about how she wants things to be. On such matters, women feel a certain empowerment to speak up because this tends to be an area of huge importance for them and one in which they are traditionally viewed as the experts. On other matters, however, such as how to spend discretionary money, she may yield to your preferences just to keep the peace and avoid confrontation. That doesn’t mean she agrees or has no opinion, but if she has been conditioned to be less assertive, she may fail to speak up.
As for sharing power with women, what else could they want? Their name is on the bank accounts and the deed. They often decide where to go on vacation, which church to attend, and a host of other family decisions. But true power-sharing, especially as a woman might see it, involves collaboration and thinking through options together in an open atmosphere where both parties feel comfortable expressing themselves. Feeling heard.
As men, we tend to speak boldly and forcefully and to put our ideas on the table pretty quickly. But if we do not show some patience and willingness to be influenced by our partner’s opinion, we can come off as rigid and arbitrary––even rude. To your partner, it may seem the decision is already made, or that it would be futile to challenge it.
How many times has it happened to you that you have stated your point of view to your partner only to find out later that she had a different perspective but didn’t speak up at the moment because it seemed your mind was made up. This is often a source of frustration for men: We expect people who have a different point of view to voice it. But, for a woman, that may be difficult because she doesn’t have a lot of history of that working for her. In other words, she may be expecting “softer” statements (“I’m considering” vs. “I’m going to…”) which allow for another point of view or the invitation to influence decisions. And she may see your assertive “action statement” as final and not to be questioned. Women are often conditioned to give up their boundaries for the sake of peace and harmony. But that doesn’t mean the issue is closed. I’ve heard men say that women not being honest about what they are feeling is often the cause of a fight. Generally, it sounds like men should speak a little less forcefully and women a little more so.
