Why Our Focus on Competition Is Incompatible with Relationships

From 10 Lessons for Men…and how our partners can help

Being in competition with your partner is not only unhealthy, it is dangerous and pointless.

You may be saying, “Me? In competition with my wife? Ridiculous.” Yet most of us do this to some degree. As men, we are programmed to be competitive, almost from birth. Winning is important. Crushing the opponent is better. That works on the sports field, but not at home. Have you found yourself guilty of any of the following?

• Trying to win an argument with your wife at all costs

• Controlling the agenda on family conversations

• Correcting your partner or others on minor details

• Interrupting or talking over your partner or others

• Insisting on having the last word

What’s a man to do?

At work, we typically get rewarded for being competitive except on teams, but when we come home, we are told we should stop this behavior–which is as natural to us as breathing? The answer is: YES. Granted, that is a tall order. But competition with someone in an intimate relationship kills closeness, damages trust and shreds some basic notions about intimacy. How can she feel snuggly toward someone who just slammed a winning volley at her expense?

What is the alternative? Collaboration and cooperation. That demonstrates unity, not one-upmanship. It means being on the same side of the negotiating table working to solve a problem common to both of you. Making the problem the opponent instead of each other.

Maybe some comparison of potential conversational phrases would help: 

I think this is what we ought to do.

vs.

What ideas do you have about solving this problem?

You are dead wrong about that. Here’s why…

vs.

I see that differently. Can we talk about it?

Here are the facts about this.

vs.

How do you see this?

You’re not being logical about this.

vs.

I’m interested to learn how you came to that point of view.

I’m sure you can see the difference in the phrases above. The second options are much less arbitrary and final-sounding. They are much more collaborative and problem-solving, implying some willingness to be influenced. I have heard guys say these responses sound wimpy. It does take some adjustment. It is critical to learn which phrases open and extend a conversation and which phrases close it down.