Why Our Focus on Career Robs Us of Connection
Here is another excerpt from my book: 10 Lessons for Men and how our partners can help.
In the ongoing survey at Men in Balance, a surprising number of men (33%) said they consider themselves workaholics. Another large group (68%) said they bring the frustrations of work home with them, check email frequently at home or otherwise are “on duty” at home. The majority (62%) said they enjoy their work and that time can slip away from them when they are working.
These figures are not very different from other surveys which report similar results. As men, we enjoy our work. It gives us significance and meaning. It draws on our strengths of productivity, leadership, purpose, and results, but it can expand and take over our lives as well. It can become a refuge from problems at home, relationship issues, and intractable problems in our personal lives. Our survey shows that 70% of men feel a lot of pressure to provide well for their family and more than a third have had conflict with their partner over the number of hours they work.
One complicating factor is that sometimes men allow themselves to be defined by their career—to such an extent that if they are fired or retire, they feel they have lost their identity.
I was told by one man that he spent his working hours at the library for more than a week to keep from telling his wife he had lost his job. Then there’s the legendary story about former president Lyndon Johnson who, when he retired to his farm, missed tracking world events. So he had his workers keep a spreadsheet on every hen’s egg production and the totals by day and month. Old habits linger.
Two-career households create their own problems. Some men feel threatened if the partner makes more than he does, for example. But also, there is the question of whose career takes precedence if a move is indicated because of a promotion or company relocation. These times call for an openness and flexibility about roles and especially who is the breadwinner (whose salary is more important) and what is implied by that. Could you, for example, see yourself as a stay-at-home father? Or taking the main responsibility for child rearing and household activities? These topics demand real and genuine dialogue between partners, the kind of dialogue possible only if the communication channels are clear and you are confident about your role in the relationship.
Work to live?
It comes around sooner than you think. Suddenly you have logged 15 or 20 years in your career perhaps without intentionally planning your future. It is important to know how work fits into your life. I’m sure you’ve heard that often at 40 to 50 years old, many men enter what has been labeled a “Mid-life Crisis.” This is a well-documented phenomenon. The symptoms typically include disillusionment with work and personal life. You realize you are not going to be president of the company or get rich, you haven’t planned properly for retirement, or your skill set may be rusty. And things aren’t going well at home. There are incessant demands for a higher standard of living. The teenage kids are impossible. There isn’t much intimacy anymore. And you’re feeling a “spiritual vacuum”–a sort of cynicism about life and what it is supposed to be about.
Yes, work can be very rewarding–seductively so. It gives us meaning and purpose and is a real stimulant to our creativity and sense of well-being. But like anything else, it needs to be kept in balance. In an interview on Men in Balance Radio, Davidson Basketball Coach Bob McKillop notes that for him career and spirituality go hand in hand and a strong spirituality is good for your career.
Even if you aren’t in the “crisis” stage of feeling negative about your life, failing to keep this exciting occupational calling of yours proportionately in balance with the other elements of your life can be a problem. Missing the kids’ sports events, birthday parties, etc., takes a toll on relationships with your wife and children. Missed dinners with the family or working weekends or while on vacation also begin to take the oxygen out of a marriage.
If you have gotten unpleasant feedback at home about the number of hours you work, it’s probably time for a re-evaluation. Work can be addictive, and much like alcohol or drugs, it can take us away from family and become a source of imbalance in our lives.3 Not tending to relationships along the way has consequences. It is worth noting that there are some companies which emphasize Family in their core values, expecting employees to make family a priority because that is good for business. More importantly, YOU can make it a priority.
