How Our Preoccupation with Toys Keeps Us from Connecting
Here is an excerpt from my book: 10 Lessons for Men and how our partners can help
“He who ends up with the most toys wins.”
How often have you heard that statement? Of course, we don’t take it seriously, or do we? We compete with other male friends to acquire toys and status symbols. We make value judgments about what kind of car the neighbor drives or the Apple watch our work colleague is wearing. (Here we are defining “toys” as all the gadgets and trinkets that we give ourselves because we feel we deserve them.)
It is logical. Marketers push products at us constantly in the 250,000 plus commercials we typically see in a given year, let alone the hundreds of other media impressions we are exposed to. But really, must we be helpless slaves to mass marketing? Do we really define ourselves by what we own? Do we unintentionally allow “stuff” we have accumulated to interfere with relationships and things of substance?
I admit that I feel somewhat of a hypocrite talking about this subject because, at one time, I was obsessed with technology and having the newest of everything. I would skim the ads in the Sunday paper, then go buy myself a toy. I’m sure it was consolation for the demands of a heavy work schedule and lots of travel. I convinced myself that I “deserved” something because I had given up so much of myself for work.
Does that sound familiar? Of course, there is nothing wrong with enjoying the rewards of our work. The temptation, however, is to use our accumulated toys (ranging from the latest iPhone to a Corvette) as a scorecard for how we are doing in life. It is more concerning if we allow ourselves to compare the trinkets we have accumulated to those of our friends, especially if we feel we must soon give ourselves whatever they’ve recently acquired.
The Toys R Us?
The game of accumulating toys plays into our competitive nature. When you couple competition with the notion of accumulation of toys as reward for hard work, you can see how our values might get skewed. I’m sure there are many psychological reasons why we buy toys. Certainly, they give us a certain type of comfort, maybe even an artificial sense of control of our lives. And, for sure, they place us on a respectable level with our buddies. How often have you seen a group of guys at a gathering of some sort comparing gadgets?
If there is a danger in accumulating toys for their own sake, it is that we run the temptation of neglecting other critical parts of our lives. The time we spend doodling away on a gadget could be spent in helping others or in contemplating how we might improve ourselves or the world. Or just being with another human. Admiring or fussing over our trinkets doesn’t lead us toward closer interaction with others. That may sound harsh, but I talk to a lot of men who say they feel a spiritual void in their lives, even as they are at the peak of their professional career, earning power, and accumulation of toys.
Spirituality and Toys
My favorite description of spirituality is that it forces us to get outside ourselves. It’s hard to get outside ourselves if we are consumed with our possessions and our status symbols. But for me, finding the time to help others and build healthy relationships with other men is a non-negotiable life priority. It gives me satisfaction and I believe helps me be a better person. I can’t say that about my toys.
Where to find the time to do things for others? I am very aware that men already feel their time is devoured by work and family obligations, so to add another task to the list (helping others) may seem to be an impossible request. It is not something that is essential, but it is something that adds real meaning to your life. And this is the paradox of giving. Yes, it takes some of your time and, yes, it involves some sacrifice, but the rewards are plentiful. I have talked to men who have committed an hour a week to tutoring inner-city children, or mentoring recovering alcoholics, or helping rebuild a playground for a church and, to a person, they say those activities brought a new sense of purpose, peace, meaning, and fulfillment to their lives. The amazing unselfish caring for others seen routinely in disaster illustrates this.
Nothing gives us a better feeling about ourselves than helping others. And we can’t do this with financial contributions as a substitute for “sweat equity.” Churches and volunteer non-profit agencies are in great need of your talents. Ask your minister or someone with good community connections for suggestions where you might fit in. Or look online for agencies involved in the kind of things you enjoy or feel strongly about. Then, roll up your sleeves and enjoy the rewards of knowing you’re making a difference. Don’t underestimate the importance of this.
Why Bother?
The exercise analogy is probably a good one as it relates to spirituality and helping others. If you don’t exercise regularly, you don’t see any immediate consequences of that choice. Maybe you gain a pound or two, but no major health issues. The unforeseen consequences may take years to become fully apparent. Similarly, not having a strong spiritual grounding may not seem to be a problem until you hit a “speed bump” in your life such as divorce, or job loss, health problem, or an unexplained disenchantment with life that causes you to lose balance. It is in this time that we fall back on whatever spiritual grounding we have developed and if there is nothing there to support us, like Humpty Dumpty, we can fall off the wall and get broken. This may get labeled as a midlife crisis, which is usually more accurately described as a spiritual crisis, but the result is the same: We question the purpose of our life, and we wonder if this is all life has to offer. If you mix that feeling with some unhappiness in your marriage or home life, you have a volatile mix which can derail our lives. Our collection of toys is of little help.
I mentioned earlier that I was self-absorbed in my toys for a while. But ultimately, I found it not very satisfying. It was only when I refocused my priorities toward helping others or paying more attention to important relationships, that I began to “get it.” When I started Men in BalanceTM in 2007, I had no idea how rewarding and helpful it would be to see men who were struggling find a safe harbor and the chance to reorient their personal and spiritual lives, especially if they were coming off a divorce or other life trauma. The idea came out of a spiritual gifts class in which we each shared what we believed ours and the others gifts to be. What would a similar opportunity for you look like? That is your assignment: To think through what brings meaning to your life and how to refocus your energy more positively by tackling that.
Toy Etiquette
While we are on the subject of toys, just a word about etiquette. I realize our culture is changing and it is becoming more commonplace to see people fiddling with their gadgets at any time or place. However, my rule for the use of gadgets is that if there is someone else in the room to engage with, you should not be working with a gadget. We lose so much by our failure to fully engage with each other. I see teens texting each other in the same room! There is research showing that, in many cases, teens have lost the ability to carry on routine conversations, even on a job interview, and that is attributed to their dependency on texting to communicate.1 Another interesting note: My wife says it looks bad if I take notes on my phone during a sermon or lecture, but pencil and paper are okay. The times, they are a’ changin’?2
Bottom Line
The important thing here is to be aware of what you’re giving up by becoming so enamored of your gadgets or toys. If this is taking you further away from your relationships, it’s probably time to set some boundaries. If you’re spending lots of time at home checking work emails or responding to work-related crises, or with your head in your latest toy, you can’t be fully relating to your family and those around you. If both parties in a relationship are spending their together time this way, critical opportunities for deeper communication are lost. My suggestion is to set some boundaries for the use of gadgets and toys at home. And impose these boundaries on children as well. How about, for example, at least one “technology-free hour” each night?
I know it sounds old-fashioned, but there’s a lot of spiritual nurturing to be had for both parties in our deeper caring for relationships. If we are using technology to keep us from closeness with others or to help us dodge conflict, that is certainly not healthy. We need to be totally present with our families and with our partners, engaging on multiple levels. As noted elsewhere, if you have problems in your relationship, get some help with that, but don’t allow the problems (or side-stepping them) to continue to take the oxygen out of your marriage. Find ways to deal with the problems rather than use technology or other unhealthy practices as a substitute for real connection.
We Need Connection
As much as we might like to think of ourselves as “like a rock,” that is not healthy. In the Simon and Garfunkel song I am a Rock, it is obvious this idea is a defense mechanism to avoid the pain of dealing with relationships. Even if you are having conflict with your partner at the moment, I urge you to re-examine your role in that conflict and be sure that you are totally engaged and not withdrawing. If you are not totally present with your partner, and that includes properly dealing with conflict, you can’t blame her for the problems between you. As men, we are not taught to pay proper attention to the mechanics of relationships and certainly we are not trained to handle conflict properly, but it is most likely that at least half the problems in our relationships belong to us. It will be hard to solve them if our heads are buried in our toys and gadgets.
