Sex and Intimacy

It is such a shame that so many men are losing their careers over sexual harassment charges. I believe in no small part it is due to men never having been taught by their fathers how to properly approach a woman sexually, so we learn to "see what we can get by with" as a way of initiating sexual contact. This is terrible. Please teach your children what proper sexual approaches should be like. We as men are never taught the things about relationship skills (see last week's newsletter) we need to learn. And we pay the price later in life.

From 10 Lessons for Men…and how our partners can help:

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Removing Our Fear of Real Intimacy (Or Confusion About Sex and Intimacy)

Intimacy Redefined

If you want some really interesting conversation, compare notes with your wife or partner about the meaning of intimacy. If you are hoping she will connect it to sex, you may be disappointed. For a woman, intimacy more often means safety, the assurance that she can be totally open and vulnerable with you and that you will not exploit that. That she can tell you her deepest fears and concerns and you will not use that against her later in a fight or some other conversation. Good definition, I’d say.

If that comes as a surprise to you, I suggest you look at your own ideas about intimacy and where you got those ideas. It is hard to be truly intimate with another person and maintain a warrior–macho, “tough guy” exterior. If you feel you cannot truly be yourself with your partner and express your fears and worries as well as your happiness and success, something is missing.

In his short, but powerful book Love is Letting Go of Fear, Gerald Jampolsky says all our behavior is driven by either love or fear. Sometimes we refuse to love completely because of our own fear of rejection or hurt. Learning to operate totally out of love (and trust) takes a special kind of dedication but it is worth it.

You Can Change This

In an interview on Men in Balance Radio, Davidson Basketball Coach Bob McKillop says the way we show our care for others is how much we give them these things: Time and Love. How much time do you spend with your partner in real closeness, excluding sexual contact? Do you, for example, spend a few minutes each night or at mealtime decompressing with each other before you go to bed, sharing your day and talking about what is on your mind? Are you comfortable bringing up concerns or worries you may have about personal things? Are you truly willing to listen and engage with her about her feelings about the relationship or other things that may be troubling her?

In our survey, 66% of men said they would like more conversation with their wife, but 42% said they did not know how to have a productive conversation with their partner on sensitive issues. Interestingly, 56% said they would like to be able to open up more with their wife.1

What is in there?

I am troubled by the number of men who are so out of touch with their own feelings that when I ask them how they feel about something, they say they don’t know. It’s as if they looked inside and found nothing there to report. They are what some women label as “locked up.” This is not acceptable. We have feelings and we must make the effort to reach inside ourselves, identify what we are feeling and share that with our loved ones, especially our partner. A teacup at a time if necessary at first, we must dip from that ocean inside us and pour it on the ones we love.

Whatever you may have been thinking about intimacy, this is where it really happens: in being able to be open and vulnerable with your partner and sharing your thoughts, including those that are not very “manly.” This should be the time when you can be emotionally honest with the person who knows you best and is most committed to your success. A time when you can be fully human and fully present in a love relationship, even creating a time of mutual spiritual renewal. And don’t be afraid of your feelings. Feelings are, by definition, fleeting and emotional and can change rapidly.

Does this idea of increasing your openness with your wife seem intriguing to you? Not every man can admit that he needs this kind of time with his partner but I’m convinced that most every man longs for it. If this kind of time is not happening in your marriage, ask yourself why not? If this is something you want, why is it not happening? If you believe the reason it is not happening is that your partner is not capable or not willing, you might reconsider that. Put the request on the table (“Honey, I need more quality time with you, more time just talking and enjoying each other’s company. Would you be willing to help me make that happen? Here’s what I would like…”)

If you feel you have tried this before with no success, I beg you to try again after re-reading this chapter. You will need to start with a clean slate, forgiving any past transgressions of your partner.

If the issue is that you have hang-ups about allowing yourself to be this vulnerable, you are missing some real soul-satisfying moments because of a questionable, maybe even dangerous, belief. Additionally, what do you see as the purpose of marriage if it is not all-defenses-down deep communion with each other? Too often we convince ourselves that our partner is not interested in or willing to meet our needs, so we don’t ask. Or we miss the message she is trying to send that she can’t feel really close to us when our behavior is insensitive, critical, judgmental or looking to place blame. If you are an “empty nester,” you may have gotten out of the habit of simply enjoying each other because of the stresses of raising kids. You can have that again!