A Letter to Your Sons or Daughters

We have talked a lot about the importance of helping in the passage to adulthood of our sons and daughters. A friend of mine shared his very wise and personal letters to his two sons on their 17th birthday. Of course, you don't have to wait until their birthday--you can do it now. It would be good for them to hear from you. Feel free to "steal" sections of these letters to get you started.

Dear Son,

I want to wish you a happy 17th birthday but more than that I want to tell you how happy I am to have you as a son! You are blessed with some great qualities and abilities. You have a tremendous love for and sensitivity to life in all forms; people, animals and nature. You are warm and caring. You have a winning way with people as evidenced by your leadership in [personal areas]; and more importantly by the constant praise of you your mother and I receive from our friends and your teachers and neighbors. Many times, you have proved that when you truly want something or really set a goal, you can overcome any obstacle to reach that goal. In other words, you have the drive, the ambition and the ability to set serious goals in life and achieve them. You have high standards for your own behavior and that of your friends and you can say, “No”, when pressure from peers pushes against your standards.

I could go on and on. I could also mention a few of the imperfections. But that is not the point of this message. What I want you to know is that I love you and have great respect for you as a person and great anticipation of the contribution you will make to your family, friends, business and community in your adult life.

Seventeen is a special time. To me it is the age where you cross the threshold from boy to man. Physically and mentally you can take hold of life and make it your own. For the most part from here on all decisions on your life, school, college, career, time and money are yours to make. This does not mean that mother and I will relax the rules and guidelines we have set for behavior, but we know that for all practical purposes you do pretty much as you please or choose.

Life is not easy. There are good days and bad days, ups and downs, ins and outs. You are facing some tough situations. I know you and your girlfriend love each other. But I would encourage you to hold back from a complete physical sharing of that love and the risks that sharing might represent for your future. This is a tough issue for everyone because it runs counter to our physical needs and desires. You have chosen a college and now you must follow through on the preparation and the book work required to make that choice stick. Many times, that book work won’t be fun, and you will succeed only by reaching deep for the discipline and drive by remembering your goal and getting on with the required work.

But Son, you can handle the tough issues. Keep believing in yourself and believe in others. You are a son of God and a son of mine. There is room in life to make mistakes if you are willing to own up to them before yourself and others. Prepare and plan for the future, recall and relive the past, but squeeze the most out of today as the song says, “Stop and smell the roses”, for tomorrow has not yet arrived and will not be given to everyone. Somewhere in the Bible a prophet says, “Don’t let the sun set on your anger”. I think that means settle today’s business today. Be angry but get it out and get over it. Don’t try to carry it within you. Please pay attention to this advice.

Thanks for being my son and for sharing you love with me. Your presence has enriched my life beyond measure.

Love,

Dad

________________________

Dear Son,

It is hard to figure out what to give a 17-year-old young man on his birthday. What I’d like to give you is something permanent, so I thought I’d take time to write some thoughts I want to share with you.

First, I love you beyond words! I can remember the day you were born and the special days and events shaping your life and being a source of joy for me. From your first months, you have a gleam in your eye that was both smile and a sign of devilment! That gleam told me you had come to enjoy life and have a good time doing it even if you had to raise a little hell and play a few tricks along the way.

Son, you are a free spirit. You have a need to do things in your own way and time. You think through things for yourself. Free spirits have a rough time in a family and a society that runs on a schedule and operates by certain rules that aren’t expected to be questioned. Free spirits gum up the works and create confusion and chaos. Free spirits pay a price of often feeling like and outsider and being at odds with others.

But free spirits often lead families, friends and the world into new insights and discoveries because they refuse the well-worn path and find excitement trying new trails. I look forward to the discoveries and contributions you will make in your life.

You are blessed with more than a free spirit however. You are able to care deeply about your friends and show them that care. This is a gift not everyone has. You have the ability to defend your viewpoint. You have an eye for detail and can reproduce what you see on paper. You have a sense of right and wrong and the strength to follow your own conscience.

Now that you are seventeen you will more and more be making your own decision about college, career goals, friendships, what to buy, how much to save and where to go, etc. This doesn’t mean mother and I will change our rules and expectations but our importance in your life will be less. But I want you to remember that from your first day you have brought joy and happiness into my life. You have helped me understand the meaning of love by the love you have so freely given to me with all your daily hugs.

It is not easy to grow up; life pushes us into decisions before we’re ready. Inside of you and me is that ‘little boy’ that doesn’t really want to grow up but wants life to stay as it was when we could run, play and do as we pleased and when all the scrapes and scratches could be made well by the touch of mother’s arms; and when we didn’t have to worry about being liked or making good grades.

The truth is we never want nor should forget our ‘little boy’ which is our source of laughter, joy and freedom. But in order to really grow up and face life we have to get the ‘little boy’ out of the driver’s seat of our life and replace him with our ability to think, reason, plan set goals and a direction and purpose in our life and daily activities. I think you struggle. Some days your ‘little boy’ drives your life and other days an ‘adult’ controls.

What is highly important in life is how you feel about yourself! From the age of 12 to 30, deep down I didn’t believe that I mattered. I didn’t like myself but could not admit these feelings and often projected the negative feelings about myself on to others. “Well, so and so, doesn’t like me!” I would read into other people’s comments and actions thoughts and feelings that weren’t there and then become moody, mad or withdraw. Finally, one day with the love and support of your mother and friends, it dawned on me that I was ‘OK”, not perfect, but ok: likeable and lovable with a claim on life. When I was 30, I grew up!

I am sharing this story because I sense something similar happening to you. Inside yourself, deep inside in the quiet of the night there is the thought, idea or belief that you are not ok; there is a fear that you can’t make it. This thought maybe hidden from you but often as you react to teachers, other adults, your mother and me, you act as if we don’t believe in or love you. You seem to be projecting your own feelings on to other, just like I have done.

If I could do wish anything for you on this birthday, it would be the growth inside you of a quiet confidence in yourself, an open love and regard for yourself that helps you admit both weaknesses and strengths and frees you from the fear of not making it. In other words, ‘Love yourself!” It is okay to make mistakes. Neither being wrong or losing can overcome the power and ability to be a warm, loving and caring person and to live a life that enriches everyone around you.

You were God’s son before you were mine. He has numbered the hairs on your head. He loves you with a love that is forgiving, cleansing and freeing. Trust his love for you, relax, let go and discover how much more you love and are loved by others when you love and accept yourself.

Thanks, you for sharing your love with me.

Love,

Dad