Ask Your Partner for a Report Card

Are you brave enough to ask your wife or partner for a report card on how you’re doing in the relationship? Why not? You get regular evaluations at work, so why not at home?

This is an exercise in trust and braveness. First, you have to be willing to hear some constructive criticism and, second, you need to be willing to see how others perceive you.

Most of us try really hard to give our families what they need. But sometimes we don’t know for sure what they need. Asking for a report card is a way to focus your attention on things that your partner may need more or less of. The trick is to drop the defensiveness and be willing to learn and improve for the sake of the marriage.

What should the report card include? Here are some possibilities:

• Demonstration of affection

• Making time for family

• Keeping work in balance

• Taking care of household chores

• Sharing work responsibilities at home

• Flexibility and willingness to compromise

• Fairness in an argument

• Attentiveness to children

• Sharing decision making

• Discussion of major topics before taking action

• Financial responsibility

• Willingness to be open and share feelings

• Taking care of your health

• Keeping the romance in the relationship

• Genuinely hearing partner’s concerns

• Non-defensive listening

• Managing anger

• Sexual attentiveness

• Respect for partner

Of course, you should customize this list for your situation. You can even agree for both of you to give feedback—but only if she suggests it. Your job for now is to learn how you can improve in the relationship.

Remember, no defensiveness. You can ask questions to clarify her responses, but just take some time first to think about what you have learned.