How Our Interpersonal Skills Keep Us Isolated
Does it seem to you that women are more articulate, more able to express their feelings, and more adept at meeting new people?
What you’re thinking is probably true. In many cases women are more articulate and more able to connect with people immediately and share emotions more readily. Why did men get the short end of the stick on this?
Why are we not equally able to open up and share, bring others into the circle, show our affection? Because we were told from the day we were toddlers to not do that. And as we grow up, we began to realize that doing so could lead to disaster. As an adult, if we are to open with another man, and he uses that information against us, we’re toast.
Our society has weaned a lot of these traits out of young boys and as men we reinforce it with each other. Fathers occasionally teach sons to be cautious about relationships, cover your flanks, be sure you are in charge. Well, the cost of that is isolation and distance. As a general rule, men prefer being a little distant from others, especially other men.
It’s not all a modern thing. Our caveman ancestors learned that if they shared with other men their favorite hunting spot, they likely would go hungry. And if another man got too close to the woman he was involved with, he could lose her too.
What a pity. We have over eons of time given up this more tender loving side of ourselves, the side that makes for a human closeness, the side that makes us desirable to emotion-hungry women, and the side that leaves us lonely and detached. (Think of the Eagles song, “Desperado.”)
So what can you do about this? First, you have to decide that you were willing to change. Second, you have to make some positive steps in that direction by trusting people you might not otherwise trust and by opening up the circle to include others.
You can start by being more communicative with your partner. If you think a nod or a grunt is sufficient response to their inquiry, or when they’re sharing something with you, then you’re missing out on a lot of connection. They have so much more to offer and want desperately to engage with us more deeply and sometimes we shut them off and ignore them.
So in the coming week, make yourself a little vulnerable to someone you trust. Give them some reason to communicate further with you. Chances are they will take it.
Your life can be much richer if you ignore your DNA and your cautions from other men, and enjoy the ride.
