Our Outdated Model of Manhood

Quick. Answer this: Where did you get your idea of what it is like to be a man?

Almost certainly it came from your father and perhaps a few other men in your life. Guess where he got his? From his father. And so on. That means our model of manhood is very outdated, possibly by several generations.

When I speak to men’s groups, and ask them to name the qualities of manhood they were taught, most of them provide answers such as strong, independent, great provider, never cries, individualistic, in charge.

Then when I ask them to describe how they would like their son or grandson to define masculinity, words like empathetic, sensitive, considerate, spiritual, tenderhearted come up. 

Notice the disconnect? We define ourselves in a way that we don’t want our kids or grandkids to define themselves.

When I talk to women about what they want in a man, they talk about the qualities in the second list. Being open, empathic, sensitive, responsive, tenderhearted and collaborative – – these are the things that make for good relationships. Unfortunately these are the things we weed out of young boys as they become men and instead encourage being individualistic, independent, tough and assertive.

A significant problem in many marriages is that of a man seeing his role only as the breadwinner with little other responsibility or interaction with the family. It may not seem fair to realize that the long hours we put in at work and the impressive job we do providing for the family is seen as not nearly enough. And yet many of us were taught that if a man was providing well for his family, he was fulfilling the marital contract quite successfully.

Many of us think about marriage like we do a refrigerator: if you plug it in it should run about 20 years without any maintenance.

I would just encourage you to think deeply about your role as a man and what you might change to be more in line with what your wife or partner needs. Our ability to express emotion, be tenderhearted, even vulnerable, is important to women. The macho stuff, not so much.

Mostly women are asking for connection, deep emotional connection in relationships. You can do this. Remember that your wife knows you better than anyone in the world and she is the one you are closest to emotionally. Open up to her and let her see the depth of complexity and sensitivity you have inside. Your marriage will be better for doing so.

There’s more about this in my book 10 Lessons for Men and on the website.