Are You Meeting Your Partner's Needs?
Here are three steps to meeting your partner's needs:
1. Nourish Yourself
If you think that is contradictory-that you are taking care of someone else's needs by taking care of your own-it's not. Think of it this way: If you are starved for love, can your partner ever "fill up your bucket"? You can't go into a relationship feeling starved. It will likely show and scare away the other person.
So start to love yourself, no matter how difficult that is. Pat yourself on the back for your accomplishments, your good qualities, the gifts you were given the day you were born. Say affirmations every day to remind yourself of these good qualities. And treat yourself nicely: Get a night's sleep; eat healthy, delicious food in the right amounts; and get exercise. Do fun things (not self-destructive things); pursue your dreams. Learn to say "no" sometimes, and set appropriate limits; do not be anybody's doormat.
2. Become a Giver
So just what should you be giving? You can give your attention, for starters. This is probably the most valuable commodity there is. When you give attention properly, you are really listening and absorbing what the other person is saying. You're not looking at your phone; your mind is not wandering.
Giving up what you want for the other person is a beautiful way to give. Does your partner love tear-jerker movies while you want to see action? Go to the tear-jerker. Do you love Tex-Mex while your partner loves sushi? Go for the sushi. Smile at your mother-in-law. Make pleasant small-talk when you wish you were a thousand miles away. That's giving.
3. Know Who You Are Dealing With
We tend to overlook flaws when we love someone, and that is smart and makes for peace. But what kind of flaws, exactly, are we talking about? If your partner lies, cheats, steals, is abusive, or never there, then perhaps you should be mindful of just what you are overlooking. All the giving in the world will not turn around someone with self-destructive tendencies.
I am not saying not to give someone a chance. Absolutely, you should try therapy-obviously, I believe in it. But for how many years and for how much pain? Loving yourself means not allowing yourself to be mistreated, even if the mistreating person says he or she loves you. Because that is not love.
Copyright Deb Hirschhorn, PhD, Relationships and Marriage Topic Expert Contributor to www.goodtherapy.org.
