The Magic of Paraphrasing

The most important tool we have in communication is critical: paraphrasing what we heard (mirroring). Actually, this is the only way we have of telling someone we heard (accurately) what they said. Using phrases such as the ones below, we alert the person that we are about to summarize what they said, proving we “got it.”

• So if I heard you correctly, you said….. 

• What I hear is your concern about X that…..

• It sounds like you are saying that……

These phrases are helpful in keeping the conversation neutral, on track and advancing properly. They should be followed by a confirmation question, such as “Is that correct?” This ensures accurate transmittal and receipt.

Note to men: When she says you are not listening to her, saying “I can repeat back everything you said.” is not the answer. Paraphrasing along the way ensures you get it—and you get credit for getting it.

We all want deep listening or rather to be heard, which is different. Being heard implies being understood and that is what we are after. It does not imply agreement, merely understanding. It will be hard to arrive at this deep level of listening without a sizable amount of openness on your part. That means you have to remain neutral and non-judgmental about what you are hearing. And one more thing: If you are listening for a problem to be solved, you’ll miss most of the message. But once she feels truly heard she no longer feels the need to “stick by her guns” so genuine progress is possible. If you want extra credit, say something like, “Let me see if I can articulate what you are feeling then you tell me what I am missing.”

-From 10 Lessons for Men