Complaints vs. Requests: do you know the difference?

Frequently when I’m talking to men about difficulties in their relationships, they tell me about all the complaints they have with their spouse or partner. When I drill down and ask how they handle those complaints, they usually say they have told her the specific things that are a problem for them.

But the language they use is one of complaint, such as “You always do X.“ Or “You never do Y.“ Then they are surprised they get no positive response from their efforts.

Most of us do not respond well to complaints. We respond a lot better to requests. For example, in the examples above, you might say, “It would mean a lot to me if you would do X.“ Or “When you do Y, it really makes me feel X.“

Of course, the statements need to be followed up with loving details the person can act on and how the issue can be resolved. But it is interesting to note that a request is an invitation to a dialogue about the issue. A complaint is a statement that seems to close off further dialogue.

Why don’t you try this at home. Pick an issue and try to bring it up in a positive way such as the one illustrated above.