Why Our Communication Is Not Working

In analyzing communication, you realize that even simple communication has a lot of moving parts. In typical communication, the words you say only represent about 7% of the total communication. Tone of voice carries about 38% and gestures, body language and the like, account for the remaining 55%. This means that when we are lambasting our partner with unnecessary energy in an argument, we are sending so much data that our intent is unmistakable. If he or she hasn't figured out from our sarcastic words that we are upset, perhaps the rage in our face or the blistering tone of voice will make it obvious. We need to ask ourselves whether this is what we really want. What purpose is being served?

It's pretty much impossible to disguise our anger or displeasure. We can try to keep a poker face and reveal very little, but there is still so much data coming from our tone of voice and other sources that our partner is very aware of our feelings.

Also, while it is true you may not be able to control what is said to you, you can control how you react to it. So the old idea of counting to 10 when you are upset is probably a good idea. But it's also a good idea to look inside and figure out whether your partner really intended to slight you in some way or whether your own insecurities are bringing out feelings that have no place in the current discussion. It can be very important to ignore the emotion in what she says (it is the emotion that usually hooks us) and listen instead for the message, paraphrasing it back in a neutral manner until she agrees you got it.