A note about fathers and their influence
Father’s Day is June 19.
Here are some observations about fathers.
For good reason, the first session of most Men in Balance programs is about fathers and their influence. When I ask groups of men, large and small, how many of them had good relationships with their fathers, only a few hands go up. When I ask how many had a troublesome relationship with their father, many hands go up. This has been consistent since I started the organization in 2007.
What are the implications of this? It means that one of the most important relationships in our life is either missing or troubled. If you are one of the few men who have a good relationship with your father and are pleased with that relationship, you are truly blessed. For many more of us, the father was either absent or highly critical or damaging in his approach to raising boys.
There is a tremendous irony here: We adored our fathers in most cases and emulated their behavior in virtually every way possible. However, as adults, we find that their thinking may have been flawed or their attitudes not useful by today's standards. The way they modeled their involvement in the household, treatment of their spouse, treatment of their children – – all of these were largely appropriated into our behaviors as well. In many cases that model has not served us well and has created problems for a whole new generation.
In my way of thinking, it is time to stop the madness. My hope for men is that they realize they are not obligated to follow their father's model. They are not obligated to do things his way or attempt to gain his support or approval. As an adult male, we have the right and the privilege to be our own person and to manage our personal lives and raise our children as we best see fit. That means a different way of treating wives and children. It may also mean a different way of expressing emotion, acceptance and vulnerability.
I believe women are looking for a different type of man in the 21st century. They rightfully expect a man to be an emotional support and soulmate who can be tender when that is called for and be tough when that is required. It is no longer acceptable for us to isolate ourselves in an emotional vacuum chamber and not engage on a human level. It is not only okay, it is a good thing to:
be open and vulnerable with your partner
be loving and supportive of your children
provide spiritual guidance for your family
show tenderness and emotion easily
cry publicly when emotions call for that
seek out counsel when your marriage is in trouble
teach your children to respect all people
actively engage in child’s play with your children
consistently help your partner with household chores
own up to your failures when you need to
use good communication techniques that invite collaboration
assume positive intent on the part of our partner
It may be hard for us to realize that our fathers could have led us astray with their ideas. We can be sympathetic to the fact that they probably inherited those ideas from their father and we have no way of knowing whether those ideas worked well or not (unless we saw open warfare between our parents).
I believe what is called for now is a new kind of father who acknowledges his essential role in the family as a life partner and as a powerful co-leader with his partner for his children. Even if you are divorced, there is no reason you cannot be very active in your children's life. You should insist on as much time with your children as possible and make sure you are giving them the best counsel you are capable of, counsel that is grounded in strong moral and spiritual roots and will serve them as adults for the rest of their life.
If you are a new father, read up on what makes for a good parent. Disregard any questionable advice from your own father and seek out opportunities to learn about this important role. If you are a stepparent, your role as a central male figure is very important. Get clear with your partner about things such as discipline and direction, but don't hold back from presenting a healthy, strong male role model for stepchildren of any age.
Finally, if you have not already done so, make peace with your father about any outstanding issues. Trust me, if he dies without your having done this, it will trouble you for days to come. In one of our sessions, one man talked about his troubled relationship with his father and how it consumed much of his adult life. As he began his second marriage, his father developed a terminal illness which required him to move in with the son. This man became so angry that his father was intruding yet again, that he shook his fist at the heavens in anger – – so much that he threw his back out and had to begin bed rest himself. In the same room with his father. Although there were fireworks at first, he said, "I finally got to know the old man." He teared up as he told the story realizing the lost years he and his father had spent estranged from each other. Life has a way, does it not?
