Why are you so defensive?
Learning to receive feedback is possibly the most valuable trait you can develop. It may not be pleasant, but how else can you learn what is expected and needed from others? Feedback is a gift. But nobody is likely to continue to offer you feedback if your response is to defend your behavior. So, while it is not easy to do, it is wise to hear the feedback without defensiveness. It’s possible your wife has tried to gently give you feedback and given up because of how you reacted or over-reacted to it. Ask her to try again. Think of feedback as a loving contribution to your success. Someone has risked their status with you to help you improve and become a better person. Be grateful.
So why is it so difficult for us to receive feedback from our partners? Do we believe we are perfect? Do we worry that the feedback is masking larger concerns she may have? Is our ego too fragile to learn from someone’s helpful observations? Do we feel we have lost her acceptance?
She Is Not Your Mom
Sometimes it might be that getting feedback from our partner is too similar to criticism we may have received in earlier days from our mom or dad. Those early attempts to instruct us also bruised our ego, particularly if they were not handled well. So when your wife does the same thing, all those memories come rushing back. We re-live the feelings we had as children or young men getting corrected and feeling a strong sense of shame, a powerful emotion. Needless to say, we will do almost anything to avoid those feelings. When we get criticism from our spouse or partner, it is natural that we would be
defensive and try to deflect the incoming fire. It can seem like an attack and the body and brain gears up to defend the “fort.”
If this over-reaction to feedback is something you would like to change about yourself, keep in mind:
Your wife is not your parent or your ex-lover or your ex-wife. She is the person closest to you and is therefore the one most aware of your shortcomings. She is also likely the one who is most interested in your success. If you could ask her, she would say that her feedback is lovingly intended to make you an even better person. She sees it as a nurturing gesture. She would probably be crushed to think you saw her comments as an attack or that she caused you pain or anxiety.
I’m assuming you don’t want to be without her feedback, but would like it to be less painful. The pain is not a function of the words she is saying so much as it is how you are hearing those words. So the best option is to change the way you react to her feedback by not attributing a motive to her.
For example, when she says, “You’re not going to wear that shirt, are you?” you quickly feel your emotions rising and you may, in fact, say something you’ll later regret. You may be wondering why she is so critical. It’s time for a little angel to appear on your shoulder and whisper: “Here is the chance to change the direction of the conversation. Instead of a defensive reaction, take two seconds and think what is going on. She is wanting to help you and she is probably right in her comments. To make the best of the situation, you might ask her what problems she sees with that shirt or why she does not like that shirt, paying attention to your tone of voice. If you will do that, you can understand that she really wants you to look nice and be proud of you. Then you can see her comments as helpful.” Thank the little angel.
