|
Are you
turning toward your partner…..or away?
Willie
Nelson recorded a classic country music song that resonated with
many couples about emotional disconnectedness.
“You Don’t Bring Me Flowers Anymore” is a synonym
for “I don’t feel close to you anymore.”
If I went through my counseling files and made a list of
the issues that couples write on the intake sheet, I would guess
that 85 percent of them would say “We don’t talk anymore”
or “We are not emotionally connected like we used to be.”
All couples experience this phenomenon from time to time.
It is a common marital malady, for good marriages and for
not-so-good marriages.
John Gottman, my favorite researcher on marriage-related issues,
has coined a term that might shed some light on this problem and
help couples prevent this feeling of isolation and loneliness in
marriage. His word
as used in his book, The Relationship Cure, is “Bid.”
He defines “marital
bids” as any words, behaviors, looks or gestures a spouse uses
to try to make an emotional connection with his or her
partner---the opposite of emotional distancing or
disconnectedness. A
bid might be words like, “Honey, let’s go for a walk” or
“Let’s get away for a weekend.”
Bids may be behaviors like a hug, a sustained kiss or
reaching to hold the other’s hand.
Sexual invitations via words,
looks or gestures can
become bids for closeness.
Gottman, and his team of researchers at the University of
Washington discovered three typical responses marriage partners
make to these bids: Turning
Toward; Turning Away and Turning Against.
Here are two “turning toward” responses to the bids
to take a walk or get away for the weekend:
“I’d love to walk, let’s do it” or “I have been
thinking the same as you about getting away.
Where do you want to go?”
Here are two “turning away” responses:
“It’s too hot to walk.
I don’t to miss the ball scores on the news” or “We
don’t have the money to go away for the weekend, and I have
too much work to do.” Here
are two “turning against” responses:
“Why don’t you use some of that walking energy to cut
the grass? The
neighbors are starting to give us dirty looks” or “There you
go again, spending money that you know damn well we don’t
have!”
It seems quite obvious that the first two responses are
acceptance bids and the spouse feels respected and valued.
The next four responses are rejections and devaluations.
Gottman discovered many couples were unaware of the
reality that they use “turning away” and “turning
against” responses to their partner’s invitations to get
close. The
researchers also discovered that rejected bids mean the partner
will send less and less bids and bids accepted generated more
and more bids.
When a spouse’s bids
are continually rejected, that spouse will stop bidding and
distance himself or herself.
Conflicts also escalate and icy conversations are the
temperature of exchanges. Both
partners feel lonely, disconnected and unloved, because, in
fact, they are disconnected emotionally.
Emotional disconnectedness affects all aspects of married
life, from decision-making to love-making.
Couples would do well to learn to listen for bids from their
partners and employ “turn toward” responses.
Marriage partners who want to protect and nurture their
relationship should make it a habit to offer daily bids for
affection and closeness.
When was the last time you took her flowers?
When was the last time you gave him a sustained kiss and
told him how much you love him?
Dr. Bill Mitcham is the Director/Therapist at The Marriage
Maintenance Center in Davidson.
Contact him at 704-408-4187 or e-mail bmitcham@bellsouth.net
H
|
